I first saved this title about a month ago. Back then I was in a very different mindset but I find it interesting that I chose not to write about it then. Perhaps because the fear was too close to home. But that doesn’t sound like me.
I think I chose not to write about it then because in some sense I knew it would pass, that by documenting it I acknowledged these feelings. I did not want to give them any permanence. And I’m glad I didn’t because I’ve been able to deal with them.
Change can be a scary thing, particularly if its inevitable. With the end of university approaching rapidly, I felt like I was locked in a train headed off the edge of a cliff. A bit dramatic perhaps but you get the picture. I’d been here before, and in some way I compensated this feeling by staying on to do a masters degree. A year later and I’m back in the same spot, just with a couple extra letters.
Something I never dealt with at university, before it was too late, was that these intense bonds you build with people as you all journey through your self-discovery, are only temporary. Yes I’ve made friends that I hope I will know for years to come, but by moving away the situation changes. And with this change, its likely that some if not the majority of these connections will fade. As an extrovert that scares me. I live off the connections I have with people. The prospect of losing them makes me feel lost.
This feeling is also familiar. Of course four years prior I left home to come to university, and with that move I lost a lot of friendships at home that had seemed so important to me. Now I know that the important ones ultimately remained, whilst the contextual ones faded. But now, to find myself moving back home, feels as though I’m taking a step back. Almost as though university never happened. Yet so much of my identity is tied to this place and to these people.
When I first moved to uni, i experienced a loss of identity. Coming from a very English town I was known as the welsh one. Moving to Cardiff University, I became the English boy with a welsh name. Insignificant as this was I did feel a little lost. I’m concerned that this feel will return. A weird sense of homesickness for university.
But I realised something before I had the chance to express these feelings, which I do still have: that regardless of how I feel this change is coming. Ultimately, I’m in control of the next step and, as scary as this is, this point is what my life thus far has been building up to. Its just a leap of faith. And I deserve to have confidence in myself that I know what is right for me.
Being able to have a positive mindset is so important.