I lack consistency. In just about everything.
I lack the ability to focus on something for a long period of time, and not in a syndrome sort of way (I wouldn’t be writing quite so flippantly if that was the case), but in general. I mean for one thing I know I enjoy writing blog posts, I’ve started about enough of them to know I have an interest! I don’t lack the imagination of things to say, I’ve got a google doc full of post ideas.
No, the issues seems to be something more to the core of my person. I’m not sure what, and I won’t get too philosophical here by speculating what it could be, I’ll just stick to what I know. I currently do not seem to be able to relate my ‘giving a fuck’ to actually doing. I want to post here, if for no other reason than I’d enjoy it. But my brain doesn’t seem to want to pass the bloody message on that I’d enjoy this so I let time slip by.
I make empty excuses as to why I’ve been too busy, that I’ve had mountains of university work on. That I’ve been just too tired to post. When in actual fact the only person I’m lying to is myself. And its not just this blog that I do this with, I do this with my health, with my friends and even with the work that’s supposedly taking up all my time… so clearly something else is up.
To be honest I don’t think it necessarily matters whats up, if I deal with the symptom then perhaps the main issue will deal with itself? I mean that’s the presumption that much of modern medicine works on. So how am I going to manage to change this about myself if I can’t stick at something for too long?
Well, its an issue born out of my person, out of how i function. So if i break the cycle, with enough force I should be able to change myself. I guess in a small way I have broken it by coming back here? Ok, so I shall promise myself to come back here again and post about one of things I’ve got in the screenshot above. Perhaps, if I know that I’ve put out that promise in public then it will hold some more weight. We’ll see.
But regardless of this blog this is something I need to sort out about myself. Because I’m loosing out by not spending time on the things I give a fuck about. Because what am I doing with my time if not doing what I care about? I’m just wasting away the little time I have on this earth, cheating myself.
Wow, feel rather different than I did at the beginning of this post hah, fingers crossed its not quite so temporary as I suspect it is!
Till next time